december 2003, reminiscence of a past existence or essence?

Otros:
If the Egyptians strongly believed the flooding of the Nile River to be the yearly coming of the god Hapi *happy?what a pun i'm sure those historians have a blast coming up with english translations for egyptian names;)*, and rejoiced of this life-giving inundation which yearly fertilised their crops, my flood is unfortunately very unlike theirs and I oscillate between blessing my chance or cursing my! My flood is spiritual, no that sounds diminishing, it is empowering and it titillates me in a most unerotic manner. It is abundance of thoughts and ideas, platon's cherished Ideas and all the phantoms of Zarathoustra although my love says I cannot understand that GOD is dead . Of course such turmoil is derisory and the outcome of my lament may and is INTENDED to seem ridicule, but none the less. I suppose we weave links of an affectionate nature with many more elements of our "environment" than me imagine. If we model our "Sphere of existence" ( argh, one of my biggest struggle yet: being able to extirpate the full sense of my intelectual roaming and, through carefully chosen words, grasp the intensity of THOUGHT. I'm not satisfied by this formulation, i could have simply said "surroundings" but that is much too simplistic and not fancy enough to merit my consideration *how arrogant i can be!* even though "Shpere of influence" is flawed also as it is too close to the type of vocabulary numerous pepople in perdition tend to use in what usually turns out to be aborted attempts to put across spurious mysitc messages. I recently read a book about all these sectarian GROups which are more powerful than i ever could have imagined, it was purely Terrifying. But here : She then: How you digress! Cf: conversation galante by ts eliot) My original point was to state that if we model our "Sphere of existence" to our own image, more or less consciously, then it must come as no surprise that what is our substitute for the equivalent of an animal " Territory of Dominance, or Ruling Perimeter " gains importance on an emotional level.
and although this seems a very long while ago *i like to think i have grown and became something of a responsible person, though i know i will never be able to part with that very childish side of me who takes immense pleasure in simple things, is content of almost nothing just as i can easily be saddened* I remember also the great joy i felt in conversing with you in my mind maybe because I thought you could understand me, and felt protected by that HUGE reality distance which made a true encounter unthinkable. However, with my newly gained experience, i know i am VERY lucky to have found you , since here (deux amours batirent deux cités: l'amour de dieu jusqu'au mépris de soi fit la cité céleste, l'amour de soi jusqu'au mépris de Dieu fit la cité terrestre, cf saint augustin) *and I am of course alluding to the latter of both cities* (What a pity the french have no word for ambas, both). almost everyone i meet can't seem to live up to my usual aspirations to GREATER things. I dont look down on people who enjoy partying and drinking , and i dont sunk low when sometimes i join them, but somehow i can't be satisfied to know people define themselves by such activities. I ask "so, what are you like? or, What do you LIKe? trivial as they seem, those questions are really tricky, but i sort of expect people to say more than just "um, i like to go clubbing and pubbing *ever heard of such a sad "ing" word ? they Make touring pubs a true time consuming and honorable Project* or i like to drink with my mates and meet pretty girls" HA. OKAY, well i love reading and experimenting, and dancing and looking for traces of beauty or striving to reach a form of imperfect perfection, or thinking very deeply about LIFE/GOD/LOVE knowing how foolish it is , or i like playing games a 16 year old should maybe, no, most probably NOT play, or making music and realizing how frightening the resemblance with maths is, or just talking endlessly , or despairing in the face of my failure to BE, then forget my sorrows as I discover a hidden force in me, taking the dangerous introspection of my soul to its limits, drawing parallels between phenomenons in general and seeking unexistent MEANINGs, etc...
As you can no doubt tell by the size of this confession, my mind is boiling more than ever, i lack an audience. Not really, i just wish i could talk more, with interestingly different people or confront my opinions with others. So forgive me if i just blab away idly. i just finished " an instance of the fingerpost " by iain pears which i truly liked. Happy new year.